my affection is obsession when it comes to You ♥

Wherever I go.

2006-01-27T21:23:42Z

It doesn't really matter anymore whether I go to Nashville or whether I move back to Louisville.. as long as I have a job and find a purpose doing something because even when I had a job here, I was still lonely as crap and felt really diconnected. So, please pray for me, those of you that pray, that God will open up a door to opportunity for me.

You've gone away, and I'm so sorry..

2006-01-22T20:19:58Z

It's a beautiful day.. I really should get out and do something, though I don't know what.

Emily and I are in "crush" mode.. crushing on guys, trying to read into them, and all that stupid stuff that girls do when they're trying to figure out a guy. But every guy is so different so I've given up trying to "get" what he means or even if he means anything at all..

It really is a nice day outside. I'm sick of being at home and I don't have money to spend, but I want to get out.

Also, I'm reallllllly excited 'cause Mr. Hoge and band are coming back to Birmingham AND Louisville in April. That made my night last night.

That's all for now.....I know you're dying for more, but I have nothing left to give.

She's just the flavor of the week..

2006-01-18T07:44:15Z

It's funny how old memories can really come back to haunt you. Memories of people you used to sweat realllllllly bad. My issue is that I have crushes and they are huge and last for a week and then I totally forget about the guy. That feels very high school, but it's how I am right now.

A purpose driven life!

2006-01-18T02:05:33Z

I absolutely cannot stand waiting on other people! I have been trying to record my EP for a year and a half now! My EP! That's 5-6 songs! Why is it taking so long? I lost touch with my producer when he seemed to be getting really busy and then I emailed him again a few months ago telling him I wanted something to sell at shows. We recorded Thanksgiving break. We planned to finish up over Christmas, but when I called him, he was already booked. I left my new email address on his voicemail to hear what he has done with the songs. Two weeks later I have nothing so I emailed him last night asking what was going on with the songs. He said he thought I had dissapeared again. Um hello! He's the one always busy and hardly ever getting back to me. And he's the only person I know who will do it as cheap as he will. But geez! A year and a half! I take a little credit for not keeping in touch the first time around, but I wanted this EP pressed and ready to go in February. I even emailed him last night telling him I wanted to finish up because I have people asking to buy the record (which is incredible) and can we finish up soon? I said I had no plans to go back up to Kentucky but I would make them based around his schedule just to finish up! How much more convenient can you get? And it's not about money because I paid him a lot in advance! Errrrr. I really want to get this finished so I can close that chapter and begin on a new one.

My mom ordered me The Purpose Driven Life from Wal-Mart.com and it came in the mail today. It's a 40 day journey on finding your purpose and it's a Christian book, which I love. Day one is "It All Starts With God". I'm starting to see how self-centered I am, and how self-centered we are as a society and culture. The truth is, we can't find our purpose in ourselves. We can only find our purpose in our Creator. Just as if I were to give you a new invention without instructions, you couldn't ask the invention how it worked. It doesn't know. You'd have to ask the creator.

"None but God can satisfy the longings of an immortal soul; that as the heart was made for Him, so He only can fill it." - Richard Chenevix Trench

I also think we shouldn't define ourselves by what we do, our careers, our kids, our spouses, or our ministries.

"Everything got started in Him and finds its purpose in Him"-Colossians 1:16b (Msg)

Soap operas

2006-01-16T19:10:58Z

There's something about soap operas.

The main characters are usually rich, beautiful, and glamorous. Somehow, on the show, they still have so many problems. Their love triangles and murder mysteries always keep the show going. But despite the problems, so much of middle-aged America still wants to be those charactes because they are rich and beautiful. People are obsessed and enamored with soap operas. Have you ever watched "Super Fun Soap Weekend" on ABC? The fans get SO into the show.. it's almost scary. I wonder if the actors ever get scared with how obsessed the fans are. Try spending two minutes on a soap message board and you'll see what I mean.

I don't bring this up for any reason in particular other than I am watching One Life To Live right now.. lol. I'm not obsessed, but it's fun to watch. This soap hardly has any sex scenes compared to the other soaps, which I love 'cause I don't get into all that. I just want John and Natalie to get together. Lol.

Anyhow.. it looks like I'll be in Alabama longer than planned. I suppose I should try and make some friends and ties here. Where should I start? I haven't had to make friends in a looong time, and the only friend I've ever made on my own is Amanda and that was when I was like, three. Most of my other good friends have come along because of someone I know or because they pursue the friendship.. I usually just stand waiting for someone to talk to me. And it's weird because I don't have this huge social phobia anymore like I used to.. I guess I just need to let go and be the person outside that I KNOW I am on the inside.. confident and free-spirited.

Makeover time.

2006-01-12T20:43:04Z

I am so ready for a makeover! A hair makeover, a wardrobe makeover, a make-up makeover..the wardrobe thing will have to wait, though, until this extra weight comes off. My jeans are getting lose again, and I love that except that I have to keep buying new clothes, and I usually wait until pants are falling off of me, literally, until I spend more money. I really want a makeup makeover, though, and to do something with my hair. It has been long and straight for nearly 5 years now.. I love my long hair, but I need some style. And a good hair straigtener and NOT a flat-iron. Physical self-improvement always makes me feel a little bit better.

Stupid

2006-01-09T06:17:28Z

Why do I look at pictures and analyze all of my physical flaws? That is so not healthy..

weight loss

2006-01-07T04:38:27Z

Pizza is my downfall. I am losing weight for my best friend's wedding and I have been doing great so far, but tonight my dad ordered pizza. And I have succumed to the temptation. Never again. Tomorrow I will go back on my 'diet'. See I am an obsessive weigher. When I diet I weigh myself every morning and if I gained, I lose motivation. So I really pray I didn't gain 'cause I don't wanna lose motivation. Please, God? Haha, I know it'll be my fault, though.

Your love is heaven on earth.. I shout it out

2006-01-03T00:29:15Z

As I continued throughout my day today, I was convinced that life was playing a joke on me. Not only did I pay a hundred dollars last night for a mistake I made with the airlines, my car was dead and out of oil and my website was suspended for no apparent reason. I could have gotten mad, but I had to find the humor in this. And I did.

I am so thankful for a new year and a new start.. it feels great to shed of the mistakes from yesterday and all the weight I carried throughout 2005.. I refuse to let it follow me into 2006.

I miss my friends desperately. I crave real relationships with face-to-face contact. I feel like I have the right to cry about it, but I have no energy and it seems a bit immature. I've been here nearly five months and missing particular people hasn't gotten easier at all.

Happy new year!

2006-01-02T06:39:31Z

I want to go listen to music and be all nostalgic.

I am already missing the company of good friends and laughter.

You've got the beamiest face.

2005-12-21T21:20:49Z

It'd be great if we could just walk through life with little myspace-like profiles hanging over our heads. They would answer one question: what you want out of life. And it would have to be the truth. That way you wouldn't waste time getting to know people who only want in your pants or something. Why can't I just meet a guy and be friends with him without him wanting to either screw me or marry me? Why the complexity? My profile would say "Hi, I'm Ashley and I just want to make friends!!"

Yeah. I'm sick and I really need sleep.

Open up.

2005-12-20T02:34:11Z

I think the thing about relationships is as long as you are vulnerable and put yourself out there, even if it doesn't work out, you have no regrets. You put your best foot forward and so you don't live with the 'what if?'s. It's nice to let your guard down. It's nice to just be and not worry how the other person is going to view you. It's great to find someone you can be yourself with. And even though it didn't work out, for whatever reason, I feel great. I feel fine. And I don't know what I'm talking about. Lol.

Lovers.

2005-12-17T22:53:05Z

There are times when I am lonely and there are times when I am really lonely. Tonight especially, I am really lonely. Usually the feeling is just brought on by self-pity, but truly, in the absence of something I can't even put my finger on, I am lonely. The house is dark. I am babysitting my brothers. My dad and Deanna left to go shopping. I already went out today and fought the crowds.. it was crazy and it wouldn't have been worth it if I hadn't found my mom a present.

I think, what can make me happy? What can make me un-lonely? And I don't even know. I'm always yearning for what I don't have. I don't have a "relationship" and was never the type who needed one to thrive and be happy, but I am feeling that void, especially at Christmastime. I don't want to be anyone's crush or anyone's rebound or even anyone's girlfriend.. I want to be someone's lover, and not in the sexual sense of the word. I want to love somebody who loves me back. We're all lovers, but we don't all have lovers...

we're all just lovers and takers
breaking hearts to make the papers
- tristan prettyman

I guess I could chalk the loneliness up to the season, but really, I don't think it's that. The season just kinds of increases it.

I want a lover and I wanna be a lover to someone.

Repenlished & Renewed

2005-12-15T13:37:04Z

It's funny how you can feel so broken down, guilt-ridden, and attacked and then just wake up one morning and be renewed. And be replenished. I drovemy brother to the bus stop and as we sat there with the car off, the rain just hit the windshield. I just laid my head up against the driver's window and watched it. "I could stay like this forever," I said. And then there are little things which cheer me up. Like an email from a friend or sleeping in fifteen extra minutes or my mom telling me that everything is going to be okay and mean it. And it makes all the difference in the world to know that there are people praying for me.. even complete strangers.

Prayer brings people together. So does pain. They're universal.

So today and for the rest of my life, I am going to try and stop tripping out about my mistakes. If a cuss word slips out of my mouth, I'm not gonna feel so guilty that it hinders my relationship with God. I will not base my relationship with God around my sins.. I will base my relationship with Him on the fact that He set me free and that He is worthy of my praise.

I really am replenished right now.

Quick Cash

2005-12-15T00:55:06Z

I was supposed to go home this weekend. My dad was gonna drive me up to Nashville and I was gonna ride to Louisville with Matthew the rest of the way. My mom said she'd split a plane ticket with me to fly back to Birmingham on Sunday.. now she's saying she can't afford it. I love how she tells me this on Thursday. So I need to raise $50 and I need to raise it quickly. Got any ideas on how to make quick cash.. legally?

Love, Love, Love.

2005-12-13T22:59:37Z

Amanda and Matthew got engaged in Nashville this weekend. We met up after he proposed and she was glowing. I'm so glad they are finally getting married. And her family is totally cool with it and is even excited and helping her plan it! I can't wait to come in this weekend. I hate that I live so far away because I desperately want to plan my best friend's wedding with her.. it kind of hurts that I'm not going to be as involved as I'd like. I know that probably sounds retarted, but we have been best friends since we were three (that's sixteen years, folks) and she is like my sister. I'm really excited for them both, though.

Hey tonight..

2005-12-13T03:28:26Z

My face hurts. I just got finished picking it.

I also watched most of "Love, Actually" again tonight. I love that movie. So so good. It just made me wonder if there is actually one person for everyone and if some people (like myself) are just destined to be single forever. And that's not in a bitter way that I say that. I really do wonder. It's hard for me to imagine two people loving each other so selflessly.. I don't know if I could do that. Come to think of it, I really am stuck on myself. People say that when you find "the one" that you just know, but I don't think it's that easy to change. I don't care what you all say.

mybuttcansing @ 2005-12-11T21:04:00

2005-12-12T03:05:10Z

I had a great weekend. I wish I could keep re-living it. I love Nashville. Why am I not there?

Today.

2005-12-08T04:04:40Z

Today was a good day.. I just needed a day to rest, relax, and catch up on some alone time. I needed to just be. Plus, God moved. I'll tell you more later. I gotta get to bed!

Going into work....not.

2005-12-07T12:34:01Z

I am gonna call into work in a couple of hours. I have no motivation to work. I have no motivation to get a shower and go get gas in this freezing cold weather before I go, either. I just want to sleep. I need a day of R&R and I don't get much of this on the weekends. Is this irresponsible? Absolutely.. but I am giving my two weeks Friday so I don't care. The funny thing is the president and owner of the company is back from his month-long trip to Africa and Asia and I won't be there on the first day he gets back.. that probably won't look good. I need to have a job I am motivated to go to. Do jobs like that exist, and where can I find one?

I'd sure hate to break down here..

2005-12-07T02:15:01Z

I don't feel like myself today. I haven't for the past few days. I have been depressed and my work has been suffering.. like I didn't even care that I accidentally deleted a list of nearly 1000 customers today. I mean, I found out what I did wrong and nearly fixed it, but I didn't care. I was just like "Screw it". I've been so discontent. When I'm doing something, it doesn't matter what it is, I always feel like I should be doing something else, but I am never satisfied with the way that I'm spending my time. I'm always thinking about how I am going to make ends meet and how I'm going to possibly get a job in Nashville without going flat broke come January. That's only like, four weeks away. And I submitted my resume to this temp agency last night that does job placements in the entertainment and media industry, just to see what would happen. They emailed me back saying that when I moved to the NYC area, I give them a call. So I called them today explaining my living situation and how I don't want to move unless I have a job first, and the woman was pretty blunt with me and said that people do it all the time and it's too hard for her to assist me in searching for a job whenever I live so far away. Oh well.. I wasn't exactly expecting anything to come out of it.. I did it mostly to see what would happen. I mean I have these dreams of going to Nashville, but after I get there, then what? What are my goals as a person and as a child of God? I want to travel the world and all of these things and just live free, like Jennifer Aniston's character in Along Came Polly or her character on Friends, where she just upped and moved out and started her own life. But that's my problem. I want everything to happen the way it does in a movie and I get disillusioned..

I was having a really rough night the night before last and I was crying and out of sorts and I didn't know why. Amanda called me feeling the same and we just cried over the phone together. I remembered thinking to myself that I needed some serious professional help because I was acting crazy.. talking to myself and thinking really rash and extreme thoughts. That night I dreamt I emailed my former therapist and he said he'd help me, but I awoke before the dream finished. But it really made me think.....

I am upset with myself because I feel like I have thrown unreasonable expectations on myself. And I'm scared that if I invest all of my time and years and if music doesn't take off and my life doesn't really get any further than it is now that I will have wasted a lot of things. And I'm upset that I'm so sensitive and that I think so much and then I'm upset because I don't think enough. I act impulsively out of my heart instead of out of my head and it gets me in trouble way too often because I am way too honest with the way I feel about people (especially guys) and it scares them, I think. And then I get God-given moments of clarity where when I know everything I'm doing is leading to a future of prosperity and success, but these moments don't come often enough. They're barely enough to feed on. I'm feeding on scraps and God, I just need something real, a divine intervention of your power to keep me going because I really feel like I'm going to break down soon. I can't do this. When am I going to stop crying all the time? Will I ever be normal, able to sort my emotions and feelings out like a rational thinking adult? What is MY DEAL?? I don't believe I have a mental illness because if I have one then it's something I created myself. Do people go through feelings and bouts like this or is it just me?

I need a job.

2005-12-05T03:22:31Z

Lord, I desperately need a job in Nashville by January. It will be very stressful to move without having a job in place. I'm not sure who or where to turn to for help with that one.

Will Hoge!!!!

2005-12-04T19:35:13Z

I am reposting my review from MSM. Fantastic show, the best I've seen him play yet. Even though it wasn't the best for me because this girl a whole head taller than me stood in front of me and this girl and her boyfriend on my left were rubbing up against me. It was the BEST, though. He gives me hope that rock 'n roll is not dead.

Holy mother of Mary.

Saw him again last night in B-ham for the third time.

Highlights:

+ He brought the Motown girls from Atlanta up on stage to do "Washed By The Water", an impromptu cover of "Chain of Fools", and "Hearts Will Roll"
+ Acoustic "Bible vs. Gun" which he dedicated to a soldier in attendance
+ "Secondhand Heart" was great. Better than usual.
+ Story about their stowaway girl from Mobile. Read his road journal for details.. it was funny.
+ Hearing them cover "Gimme Some Lovin'" from the lobby.
+ He also mentioned that there were gonna be two new albums.. I may have misunderstood, but he said the old new album would be out in February and the new new album would be out in January (with "Washed By The Water" and a couple other songs he played last night on it)

I could go on forever, though. I brought my dad along because he always enjoys a good concert..he's seen John Mayer and several other people with me. It was GA as are most shows, and before Will came on, my dad was like "after the first two songs, let's go find a place to sit" and I was like okay, whatever.. and throughout the entire show I kept asking my dad "do you wanna go sit down now?" and he was like "No, that's okay!" He was so into Will's show. My dad was "WOOOOOOOOO!!-ing" at the end of every song. I caught Will at the merch table afterwards and my dad leaned over and shook his hand and said "From an old dude, you rock!!" Hahaha.

I'm trying to conjure up a way to get to the Louisville show... it sucks that I'll be there a week later for Christmas and not earlier. Lol. So if you guys get to go and I don't please tell him Ashley says hi!!!!!!!

Tom Petty & Will Hoge

2005-12-02T00:34:59Z

i am summer and you are winter
i am the ocean and you are the bitter cold
you are the lines, i am the color that strays outside
you are the beaten path, i am the lonesome traveler on the other side

I am listening to Tom Petty right now. His music is amazing.. his lyrics sometimes are just like whoa. They are so simple but so true.

"Try so hard to stand alone
Struggle to see past my nose
Always had more dogs than bones
I could never wear those clothes
It's a dark victory
You want and you are so lost
Told her she'll be satisfied
But it never came across

Square one, my slate is clear
Rest your heard on me, my dear
It took a world of trouble
It took a world of tears
It took a long time to get back here"
Square One, Tom Petty

I'm so excited because I'm going to see Will Hoge in two days. My dad is coming this time. Man, will he be blown away!!! I hadn't seen a rock show like that since John Mayer in 2002.

Jesus, the man.

2005-11-30T00:07:49Z

I've been thinking a lot about Jesus lately... not in the normal sense of His holiness and what He did for me, but moreso in the sense of who He was as a human. I loved that scene in The Passion where Jesus' character was making a table and chairs, and Mary, His mother walks in and they have a conversation. A typical, every day conversation. I wonder what kinds of conversations Jesus had with His friends, His disciples, and His family that weren't recorded in the Bible. I wonder what His favorite flower was and what He liked to eat for dinner. I wonder if He enjoyed watching the sunset. Wouldn't it be cool to hang out with Jesus for a day? Maybe that's why I love the book, "Dinner With a Perfect Stranger", so much. It's about a man who gets a dinner invitation from someone he doesn't know but shows up anyway, and it ends up being Jesus. And the man doesn't believe it's Jesus, but he has dinner with him anyway, and then, by the end, the man ends up becoming a Christian. It's a short read and definitely worth a couple hours of your time.