mybuttcansing (mybuttcansing) wrote,

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There are times when I am lonely and there are times when I am really lonely. Tonight especially, I am really lonely. Usually the feeling is just brought on by self-pity, but truly, in the absence of something I can't even put my finger on, I am lonely. The house is dark. I am babysitting my brothers. My dad and Deanna left to go shopping. I already went out today and fought the crowds.. it was crazy and it wouldn't have been worth it if I hadn't found my mom a present.

I think, what can make me happy? What can make me un-lonely? And I don't even know. I'm always yearning for what I don't have. I don't have a "relationship" and was never the type who needed one to thrive and be happy, but I am feeling that void, especially at Christmastime. I don't want to be anyone's crush or anyone's rebound or even anyone's girlfriend.. I want to be someone's lover, and not in the sexual sense of the word. I want to love somebody who loves me back. We're all lovers, but we don't all have lovers...

we're all just lovers and takers
breaking hearts to make the papers
- tristan prettyman

I guess I could chalk the loneliness up to the season, but really, I don't think it's that. The season just kinds of increases it.

I want a lover and I wanna be a lover to someone.
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